I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
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I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.