No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”