Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Single and childfree like Jesus
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Kermit goes Blue.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Finally!
Hamburger Hinderer.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park