My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.