Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
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Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.