Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”