when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
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I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.