Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*