This is a fact based meme ๐๐
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
when itโs summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“No way.” -Jose
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] whatโs auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] cโmere baby
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, donโt do it.
I repeat, donโt do it.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
[Theater]
GF: I got M&Mโs.
Me: I canโt eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because itโs too dark to separate them by color.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what youโre saying.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says โFailure is not an option.โ
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
So it turns out ghosting doesnโt work on credit card companies.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.