Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
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Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My first child will be named New Folder.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy