While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now