When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
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Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I have so many questions.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel