The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
every college guy’s fridge
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*