Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
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My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.