Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
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Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Brother?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.