[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
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Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Morning my dudes.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl