[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Doggies just call it style.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*