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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.