Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.