Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Rather alarming headline…
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Not even remotely sorry.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids