DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
You Might Also Like
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.