The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
buys donuts instead
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*