I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
We all have our pet causes.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Who knew!
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: