Pretty much. 🤣
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Just parrot things
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…