LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
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When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Butt weight. There’s more!
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Mornin
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.