She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
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When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”