Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
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there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH