My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me redecorating every room in my mind
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.