Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
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Happy birthday to all the women
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails