2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
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WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that