NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
want me to check your oil?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
respect
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.