Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.