last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
#TopTip
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}