Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Mad Max Arctic Road
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO