[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Butt weight. There’s more!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.