Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
You Might Also Like
Netflix and you sit over there.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit