Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
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Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
You are not alone 💚
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much