[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Grow up never but we old may grow we
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?