Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
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ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow