me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy