you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I found your tweet-up…
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok