This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
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Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Cardio Made Easy
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
me, after any kind of buffet.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia