Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
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If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
May never get over this
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Fight
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.