Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.