Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
You Might Also Like
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit