I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
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We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
So creative 😂
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
boat question
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*