The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos