Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots