me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
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Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
bias laundering edition
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
the short answer to this question
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive