Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
wishing you and yours all the best
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?